How Much is One's Self-Worth - Worth?

I feel so down and terrible today. I shouldnt be feeling this way considering that I just got home from an all-nighter with Fred. We had fun gettin' drunk, flirtin' and grindin'. At around 5AM (just 4 hours ago before I composed this entry) we decided we had enough alcohol to last us for a month so we headed to Chowking (again!) to replace all the "fat" we burned. So while we were at Chowking, we overheard a group of people talking about Palawan 1 - about how the place excites them, about how "activities" are done, etc. So, inatake naman kami ni Fred ng pagka-adventurous, ok fine - pagka-libog na rin namin, so we decided to check the place out after overhearing that it's open 24 hours.

When we arrived, we were indeed amazed that quite a number of people "too-fashionable-to-be-considered-straight" were minggling about outside the place. We decided to go inside to check it out and maybe have a couple of beers more! We were greeted with a drunk wailing "bukas na lang kita mamahalin." We were kind'a dismayed by how the bar looks (the interior doesnt even qualify as to that of a bar.) The place was almost pitch dark had it not been from the early morning sunlight streaming from the jalousie windows. The chairs have torn upholstery and the tables look like that of cheap beerhouse tables. The place had an odd smell since there was no airconditioning and the walls and fixtures were half-done. Drunks were lying on couches. Gay couples were "a-smacking" here and there. We were ready to leave the place when a group of rowdy people caught our attention. I thought the people in that group looked awfully familiar and I was right! Fred was the first to speak out, "Yanks, di ba sila ***(name withheld to protect the person's privacy) 'yon?" We were right. The people in the group were our friends back in the province - Tacloban. We used to hang-out with these people back when we were in Tacloban. In fact, some of them have been my classmates in Grade and High School. Then, they saw us and we were greeted with so much ruckus, so much that the attention was getting uncomfortable since almost all of the people inside the place were now staring at us. They beckoned us to sit with them and di natapos ang kumustahan. It was there then that Fred and I learned the whole truth. You see, nagkatanungan ngaun kung ano pinagkaka-abalahan namin and Fred was just too eager to tell them that I am now a supervisor at a call center and he just graduated from college and preparing his Visa to work abroad. Then, it was finally my turn to ask the question which I really regret after I did, "so ano trabaho niyo ngaun?" I felt that the question was uncomfortable for them to answer as they were like looking at each other and waiting for someone to answer the question. That was then I saw *** - also one of our friends, got up at a secluded table in the farthest and darkest corner of the room taking a couple of hundred peso bills from a gay while zipping up his pants. Then the group saw what I saw. I looked at Fred and I saw that his jaw dropped. "Oo Yanks, nagc0-call boy kami..."

I was aghast! - no, aghast is an understatement! In fact, no words can describe how I felt at that instant. For one second I thought that all I saw and heard were just plain hallucination and I just had a little too much alcohol that had clogged my brain preventing it to work coherently. I was willing myself to wake up from this terrible dream. I tried telling myself I couldnt have just heard them confirm that! I refuse to believe it! I knew these people! These people were the same people I laughed with, went to church with, went toHigh School with, drank every Friday and Saturday night away with just 3 years ago before I left Tacloban. I knew that some of these people didnt come from rich and affluent families in Tacloban but I do know that still, their parents can care for them even if they don't work for the rest of their lives. So what happened - the inevitable was finally answered by ***.

"Yanks naglayas kami and we tried to find our fate here in Manila, kaso medyo minalas kaya nung wala na kaming pera naisipan namin 'to and hanggang sa ngaun eto pa rin kami." Fred and I were just silent as they poured their hearts out. We learned that all of them have older gay lovers so that they'd have a place to stay at but they also have "sidelines" para sa mga extra gastos. Para sa mga "sidelines" nila, they get PhP 350 or if the person they have sex with is generous, they get 500. 500?! This amount is the same amount I spend for a day's worth of food! Minsan tumatambay din sila sa Quezon Circle or at a spa in East Ave to "look" for customers and most of the times sa Palawan where gays are more than eager to bed them for that price. Lahat may kapalit. One time, binastos yung isa sa kanila where a sadomasochistic gay asked ***** to bite and lick his butt for PhP400 and since wala siyang "choice" and gipit, ginawa na rin niya. I can just imagine how humiliated he must have been. It sickens me to know how that gay can be such an opportunist! Kung alam lang ng baklang "kumuha" sa kanya kung anong klase ng pamilya pinanggalingan niya...

We heard more heart-breaking experiences and when it was finally time to leave, we all parted with promises that we'll see each other again. Fred and I were silent while we were in the cab on the way home to Makati.

Im doing this entry at the same time contemplating. What if nangyari sa akin ang nangyari sa kanila? Masikmura ko kaya ang ginagawa nila? How could have it happened to them? How could they resort to that? I mean, I dont have anything against prostitution but prostitution with humiliation - that's another. But come to think of it, isnt prostitution a kind of humiliation - humiliation from losing self-respect, from losing dignity and from losing self-worth? How can cruel people take advantage of people in distress?

I can't believe Im thinking this way and what's more I can't believe Im affected. E pu****-***, pakialam ko ba sa problema ng ibang tao?! Im going through problems of my own but why can't I help but feel bothered?! I mean, Im usually not the type to be bothered by other's "sob stories," but with them its different. Different maybe because I have had established a connection with them before, maybe because I can relate to the hardships they've been through - of being alone, of having to worry about money to spend, of having to see myself through life. I've been fending for myself ever since my irresponsible parents left me to the care of my grandma. I fought and fought hard to be where I am right now. I refused to succumb to the challenges that I have faced and will still face. I refused and will refuse the standards that are meant to limit my capabilities.

I just hope that they too, will eventually find themselves out from the oblivion that they're in. In God's time, I know they eventually will.